Not Like This: Client Inquiries from Hell

Over the years we have received more than 1,000 client inquiries. While 99 percent of these e-mails were quite normal, friendly and respectful, there were also a few gems particularly bizarre or bold. We’ve listed the best-of for you here. Only slightly modified for spelling or anonymization, otherwise in the original wording. Enjoy!

1. The 911 call, “Hello, need you, please call.”

via GIPHY

2. The same goes for us: “I can only pay for services if I have income, unfortunately not before.”

via GIPHY

3. Good preparation is half the battle: “I would be happy to talk to you about the launch. Date is UK/DE in the next 1-2 weeks.”

via GIPHY

4. What do you mean, it’s not for free? “Thank you for sending over the concept. Sounds very exciting. Now all we need is an investor to finance it.”

via GIPHY

5. Self-reflected, but unfortunately not motivated: “The goal is a continuous link building, because we dropped in the Google ranking. One reason for this is certainly our website. Unfortunately, it is not yet optimized for mobile devices. Plus, our social media channels (Facebook) and the blog are orphaned.”

via GIPHY

6. Sorry, but she (or he) is too valuable for that: “If you have a package that is super small (maybe an intern could work for us), please contact us again.”

via GIPHY

7. Twelve Euros for an international blogger is a really exaggerated high budget: “In summary, the following services are requested: Acquiring 20-30 international bloggers (minimum from 6 countries). In addition, that these bloggers will be on site for one hour (3.30 to 4.30 pm). No costs for the transport of the Blogger or their overnight accommodation are taken over. Plus, the entrance fee for the fair won’t be part of the deal.”

via GIPHY

8. Is anyone jealous? “Now Mr. XY has seen how great the brand [competitor] advertises on Facebook, and he wants that too. Right away, of course.”

via GIPHY

9. Blogger fees, part two. We’re raising our budget to 15 Euros: I’m interested in working with the biggest influencers on the German market. In exchange of their time, they will collect points who can be redeemed in vouchers for Amazon and iTunes.“

via GIPHY

10. Oh well, our job is then only to spame our contacts with trivialities: “For the sales-supporting promotion of the new online sub-brand, the attached press release should achieve the greatest possible reach at the beginning of October”.

via GIPHY

11. That makes you a bit queasy: „This opportunity was brought to our desk yesterday from the [please insert here a country with dubious leadership style] Government. After the Revolution attempt which took place some days ago, they wish to positively influence the country’s reputation worldwide. They have asked us to provide them until noon tomorrow with a list of 10 top twitter influencers from each country we operate at. They would ask these twitter influencers to tweet two different tweets containing texts provided by the government.“

via GIPHY

12. The only thing missing is the 360-View to raise the A-Level: “Therefore there is the possibility to feather certain main pieces and to think about a possible product placement. Depending on the size of the sponsorship, there will be a thank you note, a logo presentation or a placement in the film.”

via GIPHY

13. OMG, MAY we really be a part of your team?: “We are not looking for positioning or strategy proposals but tangible suggestions for (PR) action plans with cost/benefit expectations, e.g. a PR mailing to the following suitable x online and y print media for z Euro. Plus, how much articles we can expect afterwards. This should be done so many times a year. With the prospect of international growth, of course, and you can be part of it. And please, take the limited financial resources into account.”

via GIPHY

14. Opportunity, opportunities, opportunities everywhere: ” Therefore we see a proof of concept phase here, which means at the same time this is an opportunity for you to work with other companies likewise.”

via GIPHY